It Doesn't All Suck

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I am involved in major direct conflict at one of my gigs.  It's entirely personal, and stems from a place of disloyalty.  And if your goal is to stress me, I wish you well.  But I will not break.

I'm simply trying to cope.  There have been some on site meltdowns.  I try to hide when I feel their approach.  It isn't easy, but I am happy that I began the study and practice of meditation when I did.

Well, my gig problems set off an artistic identity shit storm.  And the dear friend, who I would ordinarily call and discuss internal creative conflicts with, over a plate of pierogis in the East Village, passed away in February.  

I have been feeling cornered and isolated over straight up bullshit.  At the same time, no one can help me.  Only I can help me.

In the face of great stress, we often tell ourselves stories, most of which only have a speck of truth.  This is what I have been doing.



Through it all, I have gotten myself out there to RUN.  Some uncontrollable tears have fallen during my warm ups and cool downs.  I have felt some pretty intense anger towards my situation during my runs.  Yet at some point, all of these ferocious feelings are replaced with a temple to temple smile.  It seems to come out of nowhere.  I just suddenly realize hey, I'm running down Shore Road with a huge smile across my face.

Yesterday, I took a few moments to meditate just outside of one of my gigs.  When I was done, I stretched, really opened up my body.  I gazed out across the world, while I said to a co-worker sitting behind me you know . . . it doesn't all suck.

To which he responded nope, it doesn't.